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Army of Two
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More like Army of 1.5

Who needs a whole battalion of troops, air support, tanks, and all the fun stuff to make things go boom? All you need is two guys. At least that’s what EA Montreal believes, since the entirety of Army of Two is about two comrades going to war against other nation’s armies, terrorist factions and private military corporations. All you need is some cash and a plane ticket to that next destination of yours.

Opening with a quick training mission, followed by surrealistic CGI (not in-game like we’ve become accustomed to), we’re treated to a plethora of stunning visuals and excessive expletives. The gameplay mechanics are shown fairly quickly as they are easy to pick up on.

Let’s get a few things straight. You’re not playing for the story. The characters are two dimensional, the plot tries to thicken like a Lost episode by throwing more and more new things into the mix, but it’s all very predictable. Even the supposed witty banter is lame most of the time, though there are instances with sincere humor. The story itself is mediocre at best, relying on action sequences to make us keep interest like the typical high-budget Hollywood movie. In fact, the coolest segments of the game you don’t even get to control, including the end boss, which is absolutely unsatisfactory.

When you lose too much health, you don't die, but you can't walk. You'll need to be dragged to safety, but you can still shoot and provide cover fire.

And you’re certainly not playing for the gameplay. AO2 plays nearly identical to Kane and Lynch, which is no compliment. Mass Effect, an RPG with third-person shooter qualities made a better shooter than the buggy fights encountered regularly. By buggy, I don’t just mean actual buggy gameplay, but square gameplay. Where shooting an enemy that’s out in the open and ducking poorly doesn’t work simply because he’s ducking. An invisible shield is protecting him simply because of that.

Forget that the chair he’s hiding behind couldn’t withstand a fist let alone bullets, he’s as impenetrable as Superman. The only weakness these enemies have is their AI, which instead of properly attacking and flanking you like they threaten all too loudly (except when in very large numbers), they simply pop up like groundhogs waiting to be shot every third or fourth blast they make, only scampering off when you get too close.

To top it off, getting too close is either the smartest or dumbest thing you can do. Even though you’re wearing more armor than the typical tank, close combat leaves you extremely vulnerable. Aim become utterly useless at very close range. Supposed point-blank shots seem to propel into some void, created for the sole purpose of reminding us to stick to the FPS genre. Our suddenly effeminate protagonists have one of two simple choices when such close range combat occurs: run like hell and shoot from a distance, or repeatedly pull the right trigger while nearby in hopes that the melee command will activate.

Hope, because having it work immediately is such a rarity that it demands some ritual, be it prayer, the rain dance, scented candles or animal sacrifices. Once nuanced to the melee system, which initiates a quick one-hit kill, it should become your weapon of choice considering that later on enemies refuse to die under the hail of bullets from any and all weapons. Imagine a .50 rifle not instantly killing unfriendlies when they shoot through tanks.

Blind firing works all too well, and you'll end up relying on it much more than regular aiming.

Surely you aren't playing it for the solo campaign either, since the friendly AI fails to remain intelligent for any period of time. Disregarding orders is typical, and at one point, after ordering him to hold position, he followed me, and when I told him to follow me he held position. True, the two protagonists are meant to be utter assholes to each other, but this was never intended.

At the most difficult fight in the game he refused to stay in the most useful position and turned a 5 minute gunfight into a 15 minute wild-west shootout. Instead of slowly and strategically taking out enemies while they focused on my buddy, he either stayed put but didn't fire like ordered, or started following me, leaving me to attract attention and bullet fire.

I knew this was happening because of an excellently placed video camera on my partner's headgear, which let me keep tabs on him at all times. It’s a great addition, but the fact that it let me know when he wasn't following orders was disturbing.

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